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At Darkling's suggestion, I'm starting this to continue the post on the "essential skill" of parenting. We all have our way of parenting our children and I don't want to get into that. It's a personal thing between you and yours. Suffice it to say, I've given some thought to how my kidlets will respond to *orders* during an emergency situation......and I've got a bit of work to do ;-).
But what about the adults - family, friends or strangers - that have no clue? If you're the strong personality type and seem to know what you're doing, these folks will gravitate to you. Could you *parent* your opinionated father-in-law? How are you going to handle adult siblings that fight about everything? And then, there's that ever-flighty friend you dearly love...
I'm coming at this from the perspective of a person who's never had to deal with adversity or hardship. I've gone about my daily life as if it's always going to be there - plenty of gas at the pumps, grocery stores totally stocked and lights that come on when I flip a switch. What could be coming at us -real soon- scares the dickens out of me. So, not only do I have to deal with things for myself......there's my kidlets......then there's the family who live in the area......and then family I may not be able to reach......and that dearly-loved friend.
It's all well and good to say I'd bunker in here and the heck with the rest of them. But that's just not realistic. Looks like I've got some more thinking to do......
But what about the adults - family, friends or strangers - that have no clue? If you're the strong personality type and seem to know what you're doing, these folks will gravitate to you. Could you *parent* your opinionated father-in-law? How are you going to handle adult siblings that fight about everything? And then, there's that ever-flighty friend you dearly love...
I'm coming at this from the perspective of a person who's never had to deal with adversity or hardship. I've gone about my daily life as if it's always going to be there - plenty of gas at the pumps, grocery stores totally stocked and lights that come on when I flip a switch. What could be coming at us -real soon- scares the dickens out of me. So, not only do I have to deal with things for myself......there's my kidlets......then there's the family who live in the area......and then family I may not be able to reach......and that dearly-loved friend.
It's all well and good to say I'd bunker in here and the heck with the rest of them. But that's just not realistic. Looks like I've got some more thinking to do......
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Life Lessons Learned while Teaching
Thu, June 18, 2009 - 5:19 PMAt Outward Bound Discovery, we teach more than wilderness skills to our 'at-risk' teens. We try to teach them basic life skills. A lot of these kids struggle to manage their anger (many of them having had poor role-models in this regard from their parents), so a lot of our lessons are about anger-management and respectful communication. Many of these lessons take the form of 'teachable moments' as students struggle to work as a team even when it's late, they're tired, hungry, homesick... But we also have short formal lessons (aimed at the teenage, possibly ADHD brain).
As I get time, I will share the best of these in this thread. Most of them will feel intuitively true to you, as they did to me. Nevertheless, in teaching these lessons I was able to identify common mistakes I was making, and to grow myself as a person. Sometimes I feel like 80% of the personal growth I have achieved has happened in just the last few years. Then again, I hope I will always be able to say that. -
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Methods of Group Decision Making
Thu, June 18, 2009 - 5:44 PMAt some point during an Outward Bound course (and in courses run by many similar groups), the students show that they have learned enough to run their own expedition - that they can keep each other physically and emotionally safe - and the instructors step back to let students take over. On the eve of this transition, I like to facilitate a discussion about how the group will make decisions now that the instructors aren't calling the shots. I have seen many groups that were outstanding during early course which then fell apart when the instructors stepped out! All because they had weak leadership or too many strong leaders and they fell to bickering. Anyone see a possible connection to survival situations yet?
We teach the students that there are three basic methods for group decision making: autocracy, democracy, and consensus. We don't teach that one method is always right, rather that each has its pros and cons and should be used appropriately.
Autocracy (dictatorship): One person is appointed to make a decision, and everyone goes along with what they decide.
+ Decisions are made quickly without a lot of debate
- The decision could be poor, some people will not like the decision and may not support it.
* Appropriate uses - autocracy can be very useful for situations where expediency is more important than details. In our groups, for example, we move camp every night. One person is delegated to scout each new camp, decide where tents will go, where to build the fire, etc. Unless they miss a significant safety issue (e.g., widow maker), why spend an hour every day debating these details?
* Autocracy might also be appropriate if one person is imminently more qualified to make that decision (e.g., medical expertise).
Democracy: The group votes and majority rules
+ More people are likely to be happy with the decision
+ Less chance of obvious mistakes
- The majority could still be wrong
- Some people (the minority) could still be unhappy with the decision and not very motivated to support the resulting plan
- Takes more time than Autocracy.
- The debate between alternatives A and B may obscure a choice C that never gets mentioned.
* Good middle of the road process, especially if the majority is respectful of minority rights.
Consensus: The group meets to discuss alternatives until they arrive at a compromise that everyone can support
+ The decision is more likely to be fully supported by the entire group (which may compensate for the longer decision-making process)
+ The discussion and resulting compromise might result in a better idea than either of the alternatives the group initially thought of.
+ Because alternatives are discussed until everyone agrees, one person with strong convictions has time to convince the group (and maybe they are right!)
- The most time consuming of the three processes.
- Louder voices may crowd out quieter (perhaps more knowledgeable ones) without good facilitation.
* Consensus is a useful process for decisions that do not need to be made quickly, especially when the decision will have profound impacts on the group's future. -
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Methods of Family Decision Making
Thu, June 18, 2009 - 5:52 PMI should think that in a family, the parents would qualify as "imminently more qualified" (under 'autocracy' above) to make most decisions. And if there are two parents, they could alternate between dividing little decisions to be made by one of the other while striving for consensus on the bigger ones.
On the other hand, bringing the kids in on some decisions as they matured would be an important part of their education. We sometimes chose (during early course) to let the students sit in on instructor decision-making sessions, just so we could role model the way it was done. Some instructors were uncomfortable letting students see them disagree; I felt that role modeling respectful ways of resolving honest disagreements was a crucial part of their education. -
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Re: Methods of Family Decision Making
Thu, June 18, 2009 - 7:42 PMVery good post darkling. :-)
Last couple days been wondering what OBD stood for, sounds like a very fulfilling job.
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Re: ...people skills, including children
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 9:48 AMA taser gun CAN be your friend... -
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Re: ...people skills, including children
Thu, June 25, 2009 - 10:10 AM"A taser gun CAN be your friend... "
...not in the hands of an RCMP 'death squad' in the vancouver airport.
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